It’s almost 3:00 A.M. and I have to get up, get ready, and be at church by 9:00 A.M. this morning. I’m tired… but I have to do this, and it’s going to be very personal. I don’t know who all reads my blog, and I don’t know who of you will judge me and think less of me; or who will feel touched, remember their own struggles, and then kneel before the Father and pray for me. I don’t know… but I ask irregardless of what you think… that you pray for me.

I have an idea of when it began but I’m not sure. All I know is I’m becoming callused, and my desire is much less. I remember when I couldn’t get enough of His scripture, and I remember how it felt to kneel and pray and long to be with Him. And then have Him urge me to get up off my knees because of the work I have to do. I loved it. I couldn’t fathom falling away. I couldn’t imagine leaving my Daddy who took me from my evil ways. Now it’s clear I’m such a mess, at first it started as just missing some reading. But now it’s leading to sin. I feel an anger. And because I’m loving Him less I’m becoming morally wrong. I’m cryin out to God cause I’m weak, unworthy, and in need of His mercy. I am crying out asking for God to restore me to the servant I used to be.

I remember getting out of class, going back to the apartment, and then closing the door and falling to my knees just to pray. I couldn’t wait to be in His presence again. Here recently that passion is fading away. This sin makes it even harder to touch and change my heart. It’s almost like I forgot my Holy Dad was amazing. He’s the one who gave me my faith, who saved me from the storm and those gray and rainy days. I’m reading the sword less. And yeah I’m alive, but it feels like I’m just breathing and deaf. I’m stumbling and deserving death. I hate fading away and knowing it. Each breath I take makes the separation farther. I pray He erases my lack of passion today.

I may look the same, but He and I notice I’m gone. Service just doesn’t touch me the way it used to. I know I have to jump back in the word, I have to open up my sword. It’s crazy how I’m fading away. I ask that you pray I’m restored to the servant I used to be…. and more. I want to just be content with His glory and throne. Nothing else. I’m sure if I read “I’ll be able to recapture what made me fall in love with Jesus our King and Master.”

I just want you to know I’m cryin out to the Father. I know what I need to do. But I need your prayers. I ask that you help me in carrying my burdens. Pray that my pride leaves, that any anger and any arrogance leave my mind and soul. I beg you to pray for me. I ask that you pray for all Christians who are or have been fading away, and that they return to our infinite King. Thank you brothers and sisters!

(Trip Lee… thank you for your song Cryin Out… Thank you for writing that song for me and those who have and are falling away! Thank God I have the words you and 116 Clique have written!)